I can’t remember what triggered the nagging thought I woke up with a few days ago and where this idea came from. Maybe a phrase from a book I read, a podcast I listened to or a remark from an interesting conversation, but I want to come to you with a challenge. It’s a challenge I’d like to experience myself and I could use your thoughts and suggestions.
In the corporate world, the process of goal evaluation is almost universal. The process usually starts with a self-assessment and is followed by an annual discussion between the employee and their manager. In addition, there is a mid-year review. There are two aspects to the appraisal process:
- What – what are the measurable objectives you need to meet?
- How – how you achieved that goal, and here are often the values you display.
This process is necessary for the clarity of the tasks you have to accomplish, on the one hand, but also how you have to execute those tasks, the interaction with the team, the manager, the various collaborators, on the other hand. The most important element is constant communication, so that you are not taken by surprise at the end of the year that you have not achieved your goals.
But what about personal relationships?
From personal experience, from what I’ve read and learned, from what I’ve observed in my acquaintances, the great secret of an optimal relationship is open communication and a clarity of the roles we assume in that relationship.
Looking back on my personal life, I realize that I could have managed my relationships much better with earlier and clear communication. Perhaps many conflicts could have been avoided or managed much more productively.
Most of the time you have expectations from your partner, but you don’t verbalize them. You expect that partner to “know” what you are thinking and to act exactly as you expected. “He really isn’t thinking!” you say to yourself. Or “Does he really not realize it?”.
Well, no! The partner doesn’t realize what you’re thinking and you don’t say it clearly.
People, at least at the moment, can’t read thoughts, but they react to the emotions you convey. And when your partner doesn’t act as you expected, frustrations arise and those strong emotions build up in the container we call ‘patience and understanding’, and when it fills up, it spills out in a stream of venomous spewing and blaming. You no longer have the patience to accept those compromises, which at first you used to overlook and now are insurmountable obstacles.
Can we avoid this vicious circle with a couple assessment?
I’m sure you do. It’s not easy to define those couple goals, but I think it’s worth a try.
So… I invite you to a challenge!
What could be the steps you could take with your partner?
- Set a good time – Plan a time when you can talk without haste and distractions.
- Everyone does a self-assessment – How has your relationship felt over the past year? What aspects would you like to improve?
- Define your objectives in two dimensions:
- What: What do we want to achieve together?
- How: How do we want to behave towards each other?
- Be specific – Vague goals don’t bring clear results. The clearer the better.
- Make an action plan – Set concrete steps to reach your goals.
- Regular review – Schedule monthly or quarterly discussions to adjust goals.
A few simple examples (I’d be interested in your ideas here too):
- What: Have one weekend a month dedicated just to us, with no phone calls or other distractions.
- How: Listen more carefully and validate each other’s emotions before offering solutions.
- What – Kids: Spend at least two hours a week together, all three (or four, depending on the family), no screens, just interactive activities.
- How – Children: Express our mutual appreciation in front of children and avoid harsh criticism in their presence.
- What – Hobby: Let’s support each other in developing personal hobbies and make time for them at least once a week.
- How – Hobby: Taking an active interest in each other’s hobbies and occasionally taking part in related activities together.
Couple communication does not have to be a minefield of assumptions and frustrations. By setting clear goals together, we can transform the relationship into a conscious and balanced partnership. A simple conversation can change the direction of a relationship.
Start today? Plan your first annual couple assessment and build a relationship based on authentic communication!
It would be great if you could share with me your goals on the What and How dimensions, as a source of inspiration for us all.
A day of authentic conversations!
Claudiu
