When you look at the people around you, whether at work, with family or among friends, what signals do you notice? What “messages” do you receive?
I can’t remember exactly when it started, but I seem to have always had this habit. I tend to study my reactions in various situations and analyze the causes that lead me to a certain action, reaction or emotion. I am perhaps my own harshest critic, but I have noticed that I am less judgmental and more forgiving of those around me.
I also usually notice the reactions and interactions of those around me. Looks, words, tone, gestures and attitude form a whole that contributes to a complex communication with a message that I try to decipher.
Why am I doing this? Honestly, I don’t know exactly, but I have found that this habit has served me well. It has often helped me to build harmonious relationships and better understand how to react in a given situation. It hasn’t always worked for me, but most of the time it has.
In this context, I have noticed a behavior that intrigues me and that I have been trying to understand for several years:
Frustration can increase when we complain about something that bothers us, especially in front of loved ones.
This may seem counterintuitive. It would seem natural that the presence of a loved one with whom you can unburden yourself would be an ideal solution. However, their reactions can either reassure you or amplify your frustration.
A concrete example:
You have a tense discussion with a coworker or boss and it escalates. Inside, you’re seething with nerves. You didn’t get everything off your chest, and your mind is running scenarios of what else you could have said or done, from reconciliation to open confrontation. When you get home, you need someone to tell it all to, to vent.
You recount your whole experience, perhaps in a higher tone than usual, about how unfair the world and life is. Your loved one listens, knows you can be short-tempered at times and, empathizing with your colleague or boss, says:
“You know you overreact sometimes.”
This remark, though said with good intentions, can ignite a powder keg that you were barely keeping under control. So frustration turns to anger.
Have you experienced such moments?
I discussed this topic at length with my girlfriend in her capacity as a psychotherapist. We discussed how we who feel frustrated should react, but also how the person supporting us should react. She explained to me the concept of “unconditional positive acceptance”, essential in therapeutic relationships, as defined by Carl Rogers. It involves accepting a person without judgment, regardless of their behavior or feelings.
It makes a lot of sense. When someone complains on your shoulder, all they want is a safe space to express their emotions freely, without fear of being criticized.
However, we often tend to give advice, look for the causes of behavior or, unfortunately, empathize with the other party involved in the conflict. This is a common tendency I see in family relationships, at work and between friends.
What your loved one wants is to be listened to. That’s all!
Why do we find it so hard to just offer listening and support, without giving advice or finding arguments?
I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that the saying ‘silence is golden’ applies perfectly in such contexts. Silence, accompanied by genuine support, is the most effective way to calm a person in a state of frustration and anger. It is important to be genuine and empathic with the person and not to feign understanding.
The conclusion I have come to is that anger and frustration are part of human nature and can be difficult to manage. When someone is dealing with these emotions, active listening, without judgment or unnecessary intervention, is the most valuable thing you can offer. It requires genuine empathy and a willingness to be present, thus providing a safe space for the other person to express themselves freely.
How do you react when a loved one complains and is on the verge of anger?
Do you have any other advice?
Claudiu
